When I wake up in the morning, I hate the world and every damn body in it. I don't mean I'm grumpy. I mean I wake up in a mental state that must worry Lucifer himself. I could eat dead burnt babies for breakfast, but by GOD no one had better offer me any.

It's the same ritual every morning. I hit the snooze bar for an hour or so, then get up and stumble to the couch where I sit staring at the floor and mumbling. Then I have a glass of Coke, two hits of Sudafed and a cigarette while quietly cussing the morning news. This is followed by a quick shave, shower, shampoo and a not so quick sitting in the bathroom/library. Another shot of Coca Cola and I'm over it! I become the lovable guy those around me have come to expect. The whole "post snooze bar phase" usually takes about an hour. It can take much longer if there is someone perky around or if any part of my ritual is interrupted.

Not too long ago, I overslept on the morning of an important meeting. My usual bad mood was enhanced by panic when I suddenly realized that the "I was detained by communists" excuse had been concocted while still half asleep. I jolted up in bed, looked at the clock in disbelief and realized that I had to be seated in the conference room in 40 minutes! I was furious! Imagine someone scheduling a meeting before noon! What the hell were they thinking? I could just picture them already at work, drinking coffee, chatting with the boss and generally acting perky.

I slimmed the usual morning ceremony by wetting my hair in the kitchen sink, applying a liberal amount of anti-perspirant and getting dressed just enough to be legal before making my way out to the garage. I figured I'd hang my head out the window along the way to dry my hair and put my shoes on as I stepped out into the parking lot. Everything was going as planned until I realized that I couldn't get in my car. That was because my car keys were still on the dresser. They were on the same ring as the keys I needed to get back into the house.

I stopped to brush my teeth after breaking in through the bathroom window and dribbled toothpaste on my tie. The guttural moaning that episode brought on really didn't compare to the primal screeching I let out when I realized that I had a flat tire. By the time I had cut my finger, mounted the spare and another change of clothes, my meeting was starting without me. When I called the office to let them know I'd be late, I didn't get my boss' secretary as I expected. No one can recall any other time that the president of the company actually answered the phone.

I pushed on, but with depression setting in, I was moving at a slower rate. I decided I'd stop by McDonald's for some hash browns and the mandatory Coke. I realized that I didn't have any cash just as the McEmployee was asking me if I wanted fries with those hash browns. Trying to gain composure, I sped away toward the ATM. �There's always another McDonald's just down the street,� I said to myself.

That was the thought that turned it all around for me. There is always another McDonald's just down the street. A warm calm flowed over my body. Everything was going to be OK. I was going to have my Coke. Hell, I was going to have my Coke and some hash browns.

Even though the bank was closed, I was able to get cash just by putting this little card in a machine and punching some numbers. The computerized cash register at McDonald's made it possible for a functional illiterate to ring up my purchase and give me the correct change! As I drove along in my personal air-conditioned vehicle, entertained by my preference of music, eating hash browns and drinking cold Coca-Cola on a muggy August Mississippi morning, I started to feel like a real jerk. I started to become aware of just how easy I have it.

I had awakened that morning in a comfortably controlled environment. Hot water and clean clothes were there waiting. Getting a message to my boss was just a few button pushes away. The ten mile trek to the office was effortlessly made in comfort. I didn't have to get up at the crack of dawn to milk cows and gather eggs for my breakfast. Real food, or at least a reasonable substitute, was handed to me through a window!

We all have it pretty easy these days. Everyone who works earns the price of a modest meal in about an hour. An orange in your Christmas stocking once really was an unbelievable treat -- no one was accustomed to having fresh fruit in the dead of winter. Now we're pissed if the local market doesn't have the really good mangos at 3:00 AM in February.

Darkness is no longer a problem; just flick a switch. Curious about something? Even if you don't have access to the information super-highway, a public library isn't far from Anywhere, USA.

Constant radar surveillance warns us of tornadoes and hurricanes. Miracle drugs are readily available to the general public. Doctors can view your body inside and out without using a scalpel or a butcher knife. Things that were once great obstacles to travel -- like the Mississippi River -- are now crossed without so much as backing off the accelerator.

Some people believe that serial killers and other hideous criminals prove that times are more cruel now. Mule fritters! Anybody ever heard of Jack the Ripper or Ghengis Khan? When was the last time your entire town was raped and or pillaged by Vikings? You think Jeffrey Dahmer was bad? Entire countries once practiced cannibalism as part of religious ceremonies!

Got a problem with our criminal justice system? The Inquisition and witch burning come to mind as possibly being more intolerant. Racism and bigotry got you down? Take heart that you weren't a Jewish German 50 years ago. Too large a spread between the rich and the poor you say? I haven't noticed any Senators feeding Christians to lions lately.

Yes, "the times they are a changin'." They are much better now than ever before in the history of mankind. We all lead lives more plush and comfortable than anyone would have dared dream just a few decades ago. Never have so many taken so much for granted.

Don't expect much sympathy from me if "your analyst doesn't think you're happy." Take your Prozac like the rest of us and lighten up! Things aren't that bad. As a matter of fact they're pretty damn good. Remember, there's always another McDonald's just down the street.

~* April 17, 2003 @ 2:39 pm *~